Anyone else a Mommy's or Daddy's girl? Or just a plain old big family girl? Yup, that would be me. All. The. Way. I probably have more family loyalty and pride than is healthy. Funny though, I never realized just how deep it went until I moved away from home. Now I miss them like crazy. Yes, they're still here visiting, but I miss them already and a small part of me just wants to grab Z and crawl into their SUV & go home with them. I'm thinking the following contributed to this problem:
- When I left home, I thought I wanted to spread my wings and be all independent and such. It also never occurred to me that I might not be back. I thought I was going to college and I'd be home for the summer. I had my whole life planned out all nicely. And it never had me too far from my family.
- Then BAM! God uses Z to totally turn my life upside down and remind me that HIS plans are higher than mine. I didn't end up going back home. God changed all my career plans, my surroundings, and my friends. I moved to the midwest and then got married. This has left me feeling a little like I wasn't ready to take on so many changes, a little overwhelmed at times. I wouldn't change it at all, but sometimes I just ask God, "Are you sure I was ready for all this?".
- I left my sisters at home. Of course this always happens when siblings go away to college, but when EVERYTHING started changing, I feel like we lost out on some serious bonding time. Besides, there's a lot of challenges in your teen years, and as their big sis, I feel like I need to be there with them!
The flip side:
I fell in love with Z. He was the strongest Christian guy I'd ever been friends with or dated and I respected him so much. Still do. When I knew I was going to marry him, I knew we would always have a problem- we both loved our families, and they're 1200 miles apart. But, I gave up my home & being close to my family for him.. Mostly because I'd come to the midwest for college already, so by default, I just stayed. Z has such a strong desire to live a Godly life, it amazes me. I love that about him. He wants to provide for me & our future family, and I love that too.
But here's the part I'm struggling with- like most couples, we don't agree on everything. Lately, there have been a couple important things we just don't see eye to eye on. What I can't figure out is, how do I develop the same deep trust and confidence in him that I have in my dad/family?? Now, please know that my loyalty does first lie with my husband, and I will accept & respect his decisions as the 'last say' no matter how I feel. But, how do I learn to trust his decisions on the inside when I don't agree? With him having about 30 years less experience than the people whose decisions I've abided by my entire life, how do I retrain my mind to be peace with his choices?
[And another side problem- how the heck am I going to deal with the fact that if we stay out here until we have kids, I'll have to do everything without having my mom nearby? Yikes.. makes me not want to have kids til I'm closer to my family.]
See where I'm stuck? The people you've always loved and followed vs. the man you love and follow now. Maybe it's because we've only been married 4 months, but I'm struggling to figure this all out. I know better than to be the rebellious wife that refuses to respect and follow her husband. What I'm looking for is a peace inside. I know the answer is probably just more prayer, but thanks for letting me vent to you anyway.
Regular posts to return tomorrow. :)