Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Torn [Getting Personal]

This is probably not going to be the most interesting post in the world, but I'm hoping someone will come out of nowhere with a solution or I'll figure my situation out just by typing (which happens sometimes!). It's also a bit in depth/personal, so feel free to skip this post if you don't feel like reading it! I swear I won't be offended!! :)

Anyone else a Mommy's or Daddy's girl? Or just a plain old big family girl? Yup, that would be me. All. The. Way. I probably have more family loyalty and pride than is healthy. Funny though, I never realized just how deep it went until I moved away from home. Now I miss them like crazy. Yes, they're still here visiting, but I miss them already and a small part of me just wants to grab Z and crawl into their SUV & go home with them. I'm thinking the following contributed to this problem:
  • When I left home, I thought I wanted to spread my wings and be all independent and such. It also never occurred to me that I might not be back. I thought I was going to college and I'd be home for the summer. I had my whole life planned out all nicely. And it never had me too far from my family.
  • Then BAM! God uses Z to totally turn my life upside down and remind me that HIS plans are higher than mine. I didn't end up going back home. God changed all my career plans, my surroundings, and my friends. I moved to the midwest and then got married. This has left me feeling a little like I wasn't ready to take on so many changes, a little overwhelmed at times. I wouldn't change it at all, but sometimes I just ask God, "Are you sure I was ready for all this?".
  • I left my sisters at home. Of course this always happens when siblings go away to college, but when EVERYTHING started changing, I feel like we lost out on some serious bonding time. Besides, there's a lot of challenges in your teen years, and as their big sis, I feel like I need to be there with them!
You grow up with your family, and if you have a good home life, you probably trust them with anything. You probably respect them and love them as much as life itself [that's me]. Since I was such a Daddy's girl, I just have a strong, deep trust in his discernment, advice, and character. My dad has always been the male hero in my life [we're talking human beings- not counting Christ]. Those feelings have built up over time, and have been proven over and over again.

The flip side:

I fell in love with Z. He was the strongest Christian guy I'd ever been friends with or dated and I respected him so much. Still do. When I knew I was going to marry him, I knew we would always have a problem- we both loved our families, and they're 1200 miles apart. But, I gave up my home & being close to my family for him.. Mostly because I'd come to the midwest for college already, so by default, I just stayed. Z has such a strong desire to live a Godly life, it amazes me. I love that about him. He wants to provide for me & our future family, and I love that too.

But here's the part I'm struggling with- like most couples, we don't agree on everything. Lately, there have been a couple important things we just don't see eye to eye on. What I can't figure out is, how do I develop the same deep trust and confidence in him that I have in my dad/family?? Now, please know that my loyalty does first lie with my husband, and I will accept & respect his decisions as the 'last say' no matter how I feel. But, how do I learn to trust his decisions on the inside when I don't agree? With him having about 30 years less experience than the people whose decisions I've abided by my entire life, how do I retrain my mind to be peace with his choices?

[And another side problem- how the heck am I going to deal with the fact that if we stay out here until we have kids, I'll have to do everything without having my mom nearby? Yikes.. makes me not want to have kids til I'm closer to my family.]

See where I'm stuck? The people you've always loved and followed vs. the man you love and follow now. Maybe it's because we've only been married 4 months, but I'm struggling to figure this all out. I know better than to be the rebellious wife that refuses to respect and follow her husband. What I'm looking for is a peace inside. I know the answer is probably just more prayer, but thanks for letting me vent to you anyway.

Regular posts to return tomorrow. :)


Another Day In Paradise said...

Learning to be a wife rather than a girlfriend/fiance is an adjustment I am also dealing with. I have been married just under 6 months and I have always gone to my parents for advice (I am a big time mommy & daddy's girl) but now that I am married and not living at home anymore, that has changed. This is something I am not used to because I dont always agree with his way of thinking and find myself arguing " parents do it this way..." this could be anything from finance to lawn maintenance, I do this because for 25 years my parents way was all I have ever known.

We look to our parents because they are experienced but what we dont realize is that they too were once a young married couple and they made their mistakes which is what taught them the important lessons they passed on to us and made them the wise people we look up to.

One of the major things I am learning is that it's okay to make mistakes, as long as the mistake is acknowledged and corrected. It's so important that hubs and I keep the lines of communication open and remind ourselves everyday that there are 3 people in our marriage (us + God) because we can't we do it alone. As long as you keep God in, you'll be okay :) and if you stumble and fall sometimes - it's okay too.

Sorry for this LONG comment :)

Lindsey said...

Oh girl this is so tough. I don't have an answer because we live close to our fam, but I'm praying for you!

Lucy Marie said...

Hi there,

I just stumbled across your blog and I am really looking forward to reading more. This post spoke to me - it is definitely something I struggled with when we were first married, and still do now. We've been married almost 3 years and it still causes me trouble sometimes. By default, when I have a problem or concern I usually call up my mom or dad (depending on the nature of the problem). However, recently, as you've mentioned, I've started to see the problem in doing this rather than going first to my husband.

I also have found myself second guess my husband at times because his answer/decision/opinion was different than my fathers. I sure don't have the answer to this one, hunny, but if you come up with it, let me know?

Learning to be a Godly wife is a journey - I don't think we'll ever reach the end point, but it sure is good to try and I always love coming across other gals who are on the journey as well.


Megan said...

Wow. This post was so..raw. It definitely hit home. I think natural reaction would be to be "the rebellious wife" maybe not so much in the "refusing to respect and follower her husband" but leaning back to your parents when you should be leaning on him. It is a hard adjustment to get used to. I've been married almost 8 months and I haven't learned it yet. :0) This is why I think people say the first year is hard to get adjusted to, because there are so many new and exciting changes. I pray daily for patience, for our relationship to strengthen. It sounds like you have a good Godly man on your arm and that is such a blessing!

S. said...

You are a strong woman and a woman of God, no less. I have faith that all us young wives will do what we know is best, with God's guidance, though we may cry and yell and feel like we're loosing control. I have been feeling a little off base with B for a few weeks now and last night we had a serious "come to Jesus" and now, we are so much more happy and proud to be married to each other. Also, while it must be really hard to have your family so far away from you, you are a hero in my book. I could not do that, especially with TTC! Hang in there...God knows the way of your hearts.

C said...

Thank you all SO much for your sweet comments. Isn't it wonderful to know that we're not alone & there are other ladies out there going through the same stuff? I'm sure we'll all eventually figure it out. In the mean time though, your encouragement means the world to me. Thank you.

The Kendalls said...

Hi there! I'm totally with you... my husband has gotten a little "ticked" to say the least in the past when I look to my younger sisters, mom, or especially "Daddy" :) over him. And it's never intentional, just like you said, just something that's really really hard to change your habits from. For me- it's not something that's just "getting better," I'm having to make a CHOICE to honor and respect him first and remember to ask his opinion or for his help first before we together approach my family for help with maybe something we can't do on our own. But you better believe if I joke that "Daddy could probably put it together" really fast he's got whatever it is all together in like, 10 minutes. :) I'm sure none of that helped... but I totally identified with this post and wanted you to know you're not alone!

Jen said...

Hi -

I just found your blog through another blog that I've been reading... And this totally hit home. My hubby and I have been together 6 years, married almost 6 months. And although we've been together for so long, I think while we were dating, I'd always run to mommy and daddy to solve my problems - or figure it out myself. (I am a total daddy's girl). Only since we've been married have I noticed this trend, and have been focused on listening to my husband's opinion and trusting him on these matters. It's tricky! But making mistakes together, and solving our own problems will ultimately make us a stronger and happier couple, so it's definitely worth it in the end. Life is an adventure, it's okay not to have all of the answers all of the time. It's the journey that makes it fun. Right? ;)

C said...

Hey Brittney & Jen- I'm glad you could relate! And Jen, yes, you're right! It's all about the journey! :)