Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Remembering

Can I be real with you all?? [I just don't feel right being a New England girl and saying ya'll, even though it's easier..]

Stupid question. You all get the real deal in every post. Maybe a little more transparent than normal is a better way of putting it.

Yesterday sucked. I went into work on 2 hours of spotty sleep. I walked by my boss' empty office all day. I look directly at it from my desk. And I was just waiting for him to walk out.. To hear hear him laughing or have him give me a hard time about something and nudge my arm the way he always did. I broke down a couple times in the bathroom and cried on the tile floor. I couldn't eat lunch. I did manage a bite-size snickers bar, though. [I'm really trying to ignore the fact that that might be a sign of comfort-eating.]

I had to answer the phone and hear, "Hi, is [boss' name] there?" a couple times. I then had to keep my composure and explain to them that he had died. I can't say passed away, because he didn't. He didn't just "pass away". He crashed mid-air, was thrown into a cornfield, and had the life ripped from him. Passing away is when you're 90 and you simply go to sleep. My boss was killed. No one's fault, but I just can't pass it off as something that sounds so everyday and easy. It was tragic. Unexpected. And it's left so many people just reeling.

I left work 45 min. early because I wasn't getting anything done. I'd sit at my desk and just zone out, imagining what must have gone through his mind in his last moments.

I got home and tried to do 'normal' things. I started cooking Z supper, and hit my elbow on something. Normally, I'd just grit my teeth til it started feeling better. But for some reason it triggered a wave of emotion and I collapsed on the living room floor, sobbing.

I pulled myself together and got dinner going. I had on the TV in the background (I have to have background noise when I'm home alone). Bad move. The 5 o'clock news came on, and guess what story they started with? Yeah. They showed the spot in the cornfield where he went down. Of course this started me bawling again.

And of course the UPS man had to choose that exact moment to knock on my door. Poor guy. Then one of my bff's called for a friendly chat.. only to hear me all choked up and tell her what had happened. Poor girl. Then Z came home to find all this happening. Poor guy.

Being in Z's arms seems like the greatest comfort right now. We ate dinner and went into our room to lay down for a while. Well, I fell asleep at 6pm-ish.. and woke up this morning around 6am. That helped. Today's a little bit better. Still hard, but better.

Now.. I'm not going to end this post here. 'Cause honestly, I have a hard time when other people write posts like this. You know they're hurting, but what can you possibly say that's going to help?!? Seems like I never have adequate words to comfort anyone.. and I'm sure some of you feel the same way. So don't feel like you have to say something to make me feel better. I know you all care. And I appreciate every one of you so much. I'm sure if you all were here in person, we'd all hug and we wouldn't need words.

This morning, something dawned on me. What would he want us doing after his death? Probably working hard, and going on with life. He'd have rather died doing something he loved (flying) than suffering with some disease. He'd want us to excel the business, enjoy our off time, and hold on to Christ. He wouldn't want a lot of flowers at his funeral- he thinks most of them stink. Oh, and he'd want the office to stay especially clean. :)

So, that's what I'll do. There are still going to be tough times.. probably more than I'm anticipating.. but over all, I'm going to try and live like he'd want us to. I think I owe him that. And I'm looking forward to seeing him in heaven. 'Cause I know without a doubt he'll be there.

10 comments:

Jorden and Kristin said...

i have been lifting you up in prayer all morning. it was weird because i'm sewing my curtains and i was praying and i got this real strong urge to get on facebook and say hi and let you know you are on my heart...

i cant imagine how hard this is for you to go through but I am so proud of you for bucking up and going to work and pushing through...don't forget to take the time to grieve though, it's a huge loss to go through.

i'm praying for you! and all your coworkers and his family.

C said...

Oh Kristin, I'm so thankful for you, girl! Thank you for your prayers, and your support. You're an angel. ;)

AmberDenae said...

I'm praying for you, your co-workers and his family. I am so very sorry about this tragic loss. So sorry. I pray that God's grace and love carries you through these next weeks, months and the duration of this year. I can't even imagine. Gosh, my heart is so heavy for you. (((HUG)))

Mandy said...

I'm still praying for all of you and hoping time will heal your wounds

Annie said...

you are still in my thoughts and prayers sweet girl.
i think it's awesome that you are taking a hard situation and making it positive. i know this is not easy for you, stay strong hun.

S. said...

c, i am so sorry you're going through such a hard thing right now. but your frame of mind is so right on! he will be there waiting for you and all his friends and family when that time comes. have you read the shack yet? give it a good month and then pick the book up. it is very good and hard to read, but gives such an incredible perspective on God and why things happen. big Hug.

Katie said...

hey darling--listen, I know how this grieving process can be, and there are no REAL GOOD words to say that can even bring comfort and peace to you. All I can say is I'll be lifting you up in prayer and praying for peace and comfort only HE can bring. Just remember, it is OKAY to have those moments when you break down. I still have them from the miscarriage. I am also very transparent and open like you are on your blog....so I appreciate it. you're real...

xoxo

New England Girl said...

I have never been good at leaving words of comfort, or really knowing what to say in general. I am best at hugs. You are such a dear, sweet person who I have loved getting to "know". If I could, I'd give you one of my famous, long-lasting hugs and just let you cry. They always help me the most.

I'm sorry you're hurting. And I am so sorry you and your co-workers, and everyone who loved your boss, is going through this. I'm keeping you all in my prayers. xoxo.

Lucy Marie said...

Hun .. I'm just reading all about this now because I've been away for a few days. I am so sorry - I will be praying for you, your coworkers and your boss' family. Love you.

Troy & Amy said...

It sounds to me like you are going to be just fine. You're right - there are going to be tough times - but it's those times that God carries us through. It's true what is said - He really doesn't give us more than what he think we can handle. And your boss - as sad as it is - it was his time. It doesn't seem fair - but have faith that he wasn't in pain and he went quick.

My mom was also 'killed' - but I just don't like to use that word. For some reason - it seems like it just makes everyone feel sorry for us. I don't want that. It was her time and we know she's in the right place.

Keep your chin up, girl. You sound like you will be okay. Still - you and your co-workers and your boss are in my T&P.
((((HUGS))))