Can I be real with you all?? [I just don't feel right being a New England girl and saying ya'll, even though it's easier..]
Stupid question. You all get the real deal in every post. Maybe a little more transparent than normal is a better way of putting it.
Yesterday sucked. I went into work on 2 hours of spotty sleep. I walked by my boss' empty office all day. I look directly at it from my desk. And I was just waiting for him to walk out.. To hear hear him laughing or have him give me a hard time about something and nudge my arm the way he always did. I broke down a couple times in the bathroom and cried on the tile floor. I couldn't eat lunch. I did manage a bite-size snickers bar, though. [I'm really trying to ignore the fact that that might be a sign of comfort-eating.]
I had to answer the phone and hear, "Hi, is [boss' name] there?" a couple times. I then had to keep my composure and explain to them that he had died. I can't say passed away, because he didn't. He didn't just "pass away". He crashed mid-air, was thrown into a cornfield, and had the life ripped from him. Passing away is when you're 90 and you simply go to sleep. My boss was killed. No one's fault, but I just can't pass it off as something that sounds so everyday and easy. It was tragic. Unexpected. And it's left so many people just reeling.
I left work 45 min. early because I wasn't getting anything done. I'd sit at my desk and just zone out, imagining what must have gone through his mind in his last moments.
I got home and tried to do 'normal' things. I started cooking Z supper, and hit my elbow on something. Normally, I'd just grit my teeth til it started feeling better. But for some reason it triggered a wave of emotion and I collapsed on the living room floor, sobbing.
I pulled myself together and got dinner going. I had on the TV in the background (I have to have background noise when I'm home alone). Bad move. The 5 o'clock news came on, and guess what story they started with? Yeah. They showed the spot in the cornfield where he went down. Of course this started me bawling again.
And of course the UPS man had to choose that exact moment to knock on my door. Poor guy. Then one of my bff's called for a friendly chat.. only to hear me all choked up and tell her what had happened. Poor girl. Then Z came home to find all this happening. Poor guy.
Being in Z's arms seems like the greatest comfort right now. We ate dinner and went into our room to lay down for a while. Well, I fell asleep at 6pm-ish.. and woke up this morning around 6am. That helped. Today's a little bit better. Still hard, but better.
Now.. I'm not going to end this post here. 'Cause honestly, I have a hard time when other people write posts like this. You know they're hurting, but what can you possibly say that's going to help?!? Seems like I never have adequate words to comfort anyone.. and I'm sure some of you feel the same way. So don't feel like you have to say something to make me feel better. I know you all care. And I appreciate every one of you so much. I'm sure if you all were here in person, we'd all hug and we wouldn't need words.
This morning, something dawned on me. What would he want us doing after his death? Probably working hard, and going on with life. He'd have rather died doing something he loved (flying) than suffering with some disease. He'd want us to excel the business, enjoy our off time, and hold on to Christ. He wouldn't want a lot of flowers at his funeral- he thinks most of them stink. Oh, and he'd want the office to stay especially clean. :)
So, that's what I'll do. There are still going to be tough times.. probably more than I'm anticipating.. but over all, I'm going to try and live like he'd want us to. I think I owe him that. And I'm looking forward to seeing him in heaven. 'Cause I know without a doubt he'll be there.
16 hours ago