Learning Faith

There are a lot of things in my life that have caused my faith to have to grow.

Like marrying Z. He challenges me on a daily basis. And he's predictably unpredictable, which forces me to be flexible.

Like moving to a totally unknown place & taking a job I don't love. I have to believe God has a reason for this & it's part of a bigger plan.

It really is funny how I've changed. I was always Ms. Planner herself. Maybe even a tiny bit of a control freak every now and then. But I always portrayed a totally put-together, professional image. Funny how God humbles us & stretches us, isn't it?

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know we had grand plans of buying a house. You're also probably starting to feel like we don't know what the heck we're doing because of how often the plans change. Really. I've kind of stopped updating you on that whole situation because... it changes all.the.time. And that'd just make me look spastic (or maybe you already think that.. oh well, can't trick you, can I?). :)

So you want to know what's been going on?

I was starting to feel like God just kept closing the doors on us buying a house. I mean, 3 full price offers, and still nothing? Seems like a closed door to me. So then my heart started to dream about moving back east.. even though I didn't want to let it because it hurts so much every time I let that dream creep out and have it smashed again. Like.. makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it. K. moving on.

But then, inevitably, it did get smashed. My logical husband (yes, I love him for it) didn't think it was a good idea. So, after a self pep talk or two (or ten), I started feeling like we should just be adventurous.

We both have jobs that aren't holding us down. Meaning, we could move anywhere pretty much and make what we're making now. Wouldn't really set us back. So I thought- let's move somewhere fun! Colorado mountains? NC shore? TN lakes? I figured, if I can't be close to home, why not just enjoy this time!

Then Z finds an estate that's up for absolute auction. Big house, 10 acres, barn, pond, lots of woods, beautiful property, good neighborhood.. house needs a lot of TLC. The auction is next Thursday. Z wants to bid. Okay.. so no moving to fun places if that happens. And buying a house and putting a lot of effort into making it nice lowers the chances that we'd move home before having kids. Breaking heart...

Honestly, it's almost made me indifferent. I feel like my dreams and my desires don't really matter anymore. I'll just take a back seat, let Z make the decisions & let God guide us. And turn the feelings off. Because truly feeling each step in this journey would be far too difficult. The ups and downs leave my composure fighting for air.

So maybe I'm learning faith.. or supposed to be. But maybe I'm just tired. A little unsure. And just praying for the faith to be positive through this time.