Friday, July 24, 2009

Learning Faith

There are a lot of things in my life that have caused my faith to have to grow.

Like marrying Z. He challenges me on a daily basis. And he's predictably unpredictable, which forces me to be flexible.

Like moving to a totally unknown place & taking a job I don't love. I have to believe God has a reason for this & it's part of a bigger plan.

It really is funny how I've changed. I was always Ms. Planner herself. Maybe even a tiny bit of a control freak every now and then. But I always portrayed a totally put-together, professional image. Funny how God humbles us & stretches us, isn't it?

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know we had grand plans of buying a house. You're also probably starting to feel like we don't know what the heck we're doing because of how often the plans change. Really. I've kind of stopped updating you on that whole situation because... it changes all.the.time. And that'd just make me look spastic (or maybe you already think that.. oh well, can't trick you, can I?). :)

So you want to know what's been going on?

I was starting to feel like God just kept closing the doors on us buying a house. I mean, 3 full price offers, and still nothing? Seems like a closed door to me. So then my heart started to dream about moving back east.. even though I didn't want to let it because it hurts so much every time I let that dream creep out and have it smashed again. Like.. makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it. K. moving on.

But then, inevitably, it did get smashed. My logical husband (yes, I love him for it) didn't think it was a good idea. So, after a self pep talk or two (or ten), I started feeling like we should just be adventurous.

We both have jobs that aren't holding us down. Meaning, we could move anywhere pretty much and make what we're making now. Wouldn't really set us back. So I thought- let's move somewhere fun! Colorado mountains? NC shore? TN lakes? I figured, if I can't be close to home, why not just enjoy this time!

Then Z finds an estate that's up for absolute auction. Big house, 10 acres, barn, pond, lots of woods, beautiful property, good neighborhood.. house needs a lot of TLC. The auction is next Thursday. Z wants to bid. Okay.. so no moving to fun places if that happens. And buying a house and putting a lot of effort into making it nice lowers the chances that we'd move home before having kids. Breaking heart...

Honestly, it's almost made me indifferent. I feel like my dreams and my desires don't really matter anymore. I'll just take a back seat, let Z make the decisions & let God guide us. And turn the feelings off. Because truly feeling each step in this journey would be far too difficult. The ups and downs leave my composure fighting for air.

So maybe I'm learning faith.. or supposed to be. But maybe I'm just tired. A little unsure. And just praying for the faith to be positive through this time.


Lucy Marie said...

Tough stuff, girl. I feel like I'm in the same boat as you are right now. I feel like I'm constantly being tugged in two opposing directions all at once, and I don't know which way is the right way. I'll be praying for you and Z as you make some big choices.

Jorden and Kristin said...

aww you do seem bummed but think of all the options you'll have to re-do a house and barn and stuff!!! plus if you have a huge yard the wedding planner in you could landscape it for some amazing weddings! that's my DREAM!
i will be praying for you guys! (especially for you!) i hope that everything works out soon so you can have a little comfort in knowing what the plan is!

The DIY Show Off said...

I think you're amazing and your positive outlook will be rewarded. I like your attitude to just let God guide you. My situation is different but I am going through some of the same inner struggles. I'm inpatient. I want something and have a hard time not being in control.

Hang in there - I admire your faith. I would have a difficult time being far from family too but it's so easy to keep in touch now and I like having some family out of state - visiting makes for great vacations and better quality time, knowing what's important and less petty arguments.

And imagine what you could do with that house and all of that space with your creativity and talent! I'd be packing my bags for one of those vacations to help you! ;)

Take care and have a great weekend! Hoping you get some answers and direction soon!

AmberDenae said...

You're such an amazing person and I believe that in writing this, you even learned a lot. I love how you sift trhough your thoughts and share them on this blog. I pray that God leads and guides you somewhere amazing and that your heart would be delighted, where ever that may be. It could take some time, undoubtedly but God doesn't make us go through these times to not reward us for our sacrifices. You will be blessed. You are a blessing! :)

S. said...

i love your post! God is speaking to both of us quite a bit right now. i would not object to you moving into my colorado mountains. we would welcome you with open arms!

Jen said...

Aww, C. You are so sweet - I have no doubt we'd be commiserating over mojitos if you lived nearby (and like mojitos). Anyways. I'm sorry to hear that the house situation has been so back and forth, and that you're missing your family so much! I am totally a planner, and know how hard it is to be without a plan or to suddenly have huge changes to the plan that you were already set on (our recent move was a HUGE change from the plans that we had talked about for months/years). But something good will come of it, I'm sure! I wasn't at all thrilled to move away from Minneapolis, but we've been quite happy in Michigan thusfar, happier than I thought we would be! So I am sure that there are good things in store for you and Z! Try to keep your chin up, talk with Z and with God, and have faith that everything will be okay!

Katie said...

just wanted to say that I truly understand this feeling....

leaning on God is really the best and only option. I've had to give a lot of concerns and fears over to him. I had a miscarriage recently and its hard not to question 'why'...

I just have to sit back and realize that He knows what he's doing...I trust that.

SnoWhite said...

I hear you, I hear you! thanks for sharing your heart.